navigating virtual erasure
It's wild how quickly someone's online presence, and thus your connection with them, can be largely erased with little to no notice. Although, should I be surprised? I've seen it play out plenty of times here and elsewhere. Sometimes, platforms get sunsetted, go kaput, or delete someone's accounts for whatever reason. Other times, like what prompted me to write this, it's the person behind a presence that decides to erase themselves from your life and others'.
A formal goodbye followed by neatly wrapping a presence up and optionally providing off-site contact methods is one thing. Delivering a cryptic message soon followed by scrubbing one's presence is an entirely different beast. It's worse with how certain platforms are locked down to where the content of deleted accounts prove so difficult to return to or rediscover.
I'm not judging how kind or rude I think either case is. It's important to remember just how little you could understand what's going on in someone's head. Your impression of their kindness or lack thereof would likely differ from mine and others' anyhow. Rather, I'm commenting on the disproportionate negative impact that sudden account deletion can have on friends, acquaintances, and strangers alike. Sure, there are plenty of valid, if not life-affirming reasons to virtually jump ship. Yet, the aforementioned possibility of immense downside as a result should not be understated.
Losing a connection with an anchor of a space hurts. So does lacking joy from no longer being able to converse, create, nor make memories with them. What hurts the most is not knowing whether they are well or even alive anymore in the real world. In some cases, you are left wondering if they survived the fall.
It hurts looking at the remnants of someone's presence and seeing signs of trouble you could have noticed, if not smoothed over. The people one interfaces through computers, phones, or other telecommunicative devices are real human beings after all. Looking back at someone amassing concerning emotions, venting, and most poignantly, imagery in the lead-up to their erasure made me genuinely question whether they were okay. Knowing that I could have tried my best to help them avoid that fate, instead of warming the bench, had me feeling like I have a pit in my stomach. Had I reached out to them, would they have stayed or at least left more gracefully than they did? Would either outcome have earned everyone the comfort that the person in question was fine or at least seeking help? Yet, as captivating as these questions are, entertaining these hypotheticals was dwelling on the past that I'm no longer present within.
However, that assumed the worst in them. Despite how grim the situation looked, they could be starting their best life for all I know. But having lost my connection with them, I didn't know how they are holding up. There was a possibility of never knowing. Putting it lightly, that blew.
Inactivity hits different than deletion. At least passing while having your presence and its artifacts live on in memoriam affords a natural space for mourning. Artifacts remained with the incident which prompted this post, but with such staggeringly low artifacts available to me that I'm left reeling over what I and many others lost access to.
Turning toward myself, what incidents would coerce my own self-deletion from this space? Could it be prioritizing offline life like several peers have, having my pseudonymity shattered, succumbing to mental demons, or otherwise? How would I orchestrate it, if I chose to do anything at all before hitting the big red button? How much regard should I give people who wish to continue enjoying my essence or even discover it for the very first time? How do I keep my connections alive if my life is cut short beyond my control and/or my ability to broadcast my passing?
What can I do going forward? Be better.
Archiving and backing up what I enjoy before it gets destroyed represents a quick, easy win that most people don't bother with. However important habitualizing that routine is, it's not as communal or people-shaped as the following, hence why I placed it upfront.
Prioritize initiation to protect and persist connections I find valuable before it's too late. This can be done while keeping in mind that, like how I'm the only one fully in charge of my own mind and body, others are the only ones fully in charge of their selves too. I can only imagine it taking very little effort to produce an outsized impact. Simply paying attention to someone can mean the world to them as they go through the wringer online, offline, or both. In the case of my virtual friend that I cared for disappearing without a trace, I only wish I paid attention sooner. I can't hold regrets for that though, as even changing that minute detail cannot fully guarantee that I would be alive to tell this tale.
Joke about the outcomes I want. Surely they're just setting up a clean slate, entering hermitage only to return ever stronger, or enduring some other uplifting transformation. Whether somoene is gone for good or not, lightly holding such positive beliefs probably costs less of my mental and emotions than ruminating over their whereabouts. Optimistic takes like that can be shared with people that remain active in the same space too. For how unfortunate departures from the village can be, helping people grow up within and integrate into it from the outside can induce much-needed healing.
Most importantly, particularly for cases where the departed still roam the Earth, I can honor them however I can. Even if they won't see it, I can show how much I miss them. Even if they can't or won't return to the same space we once shared, I can show how much I would love for them to be back in action. Even if they end up making a triumphant return, I can show myself as being proactive against and reactive toward loss in beautiful ways. Even if they can only look on from heaven above or wherever else, the least I could do is add more beats to their worldly story toward kindness toward, love for, and appreciation of them.
Tell your cherished people that you love them, that you're here for them, and that you have their back should they need anything from you. More importantly, notice when they're down and do your best to pay attention to them with an open mind, open ears, and a shoulder to cry on or caring embrace as needed.
Take care of yourself too. Some of the most profound samaritans deal with the very same afflictions they heal in others. Notice when you're down and do your best to find people who can pay attention to you in ways that bring you back to your thriving self.
Someone facing even remote trouble justifies possessing the great courage to talk to them like a friend. It might just be what they need to stay or bow out gracefully, compared to erasing themselves from your world if not theirs. That too can apply to yourself.
Whether you interface other people tangibly or through pixels on a screen, they are real people just like you. We are all trying our hardest to survive against the entropy of life.
If you don't know what to do, help people.